Episode 12: Clowns & Ringmasters

“The defense in the Andrews-Transphobia Trial consumed what would have been the first morning of the trial with a motion begging the judge to drop the case before it even gets to a jury,” a reporter summarized the morning’s events. “No one knows how the judge is going to rule, but what will this lack of confidence in the outcome mean for Dr. Andrew’s chances of getting away with his blatantly transphobic teachings and how might it influence the jury if we go to trial? We’ll be back with our panel of distinguished gender law experts, after this short break.”

“Yo, you heard it here first! This is your boy, Zoomcaster, with an EXCLUSIVE scoop, straight from my inside sources in the court. And let me tell you, it's OFFICIAL: the judge is about to rule that the GAIA Act is constitutional and reject the defense's motion to quash the indictment. That’s right, folks, Dr. Andrews is going to trial! And you heard it FIRST, right here on my show. So, if you're all about staying ahead of the game, make sure you're tuned in, because I'm always bringing you the latest and greatest news, FIRST!”

“You’re watching the number one conservative videocast in the entire universe,” began another young man, “with continuing coverage of how Senator Travis used his devastating legal logic to trash any pretensions of constitutionality of the GAIA Act. Despite,” he glanced over toward Zoomcaster and then back to the camera, “UNFOUNDED rumors swirling from so-called inside sources that the judge might rule against Andrews, it’s clear Senator Travis utterly destroyed Senator Castillo’s feeble attempts to defend the blatantly unconstitutional GAIA Act. We’ll get to more on this in just one second. You know, I've debunked all kinds of conspiracy theories. I’ve debunked communism, JFK assassination conspiracies, global warming, John McCain and American POWs left behind in Vietnam, TWA 800, the insane USS Liberty false-flag claim, and more. Now, I want to debunk the notion that leftist tears have to be warm. Nonsense! You can get a leftist-tears insulated tumbler to keep those refreshingly salty tears ice cold even in the middle of the warmest debate. Check out my online store….”

“This morning in the Andrews-Transphobia Trial, Senator Travis rambled on and on arguing that his client did not understand the indictment or the law in a bizarre attempt to persuade the judge to quash the indictment against accused transphobe Dr. Michael Andrews,” explained a British reporter. “This afternoon, the judge is expected to rule on the defense motion, and if he rejects it, as insider sources are already reporting he will, the state will begin presenting their case.”

“Senator Travis asks us to believe that some mysterious and vastly important principle is at stake at here,” wrote a balding reporter, “that the conviction of Professor Andrews will strike a deadly blow at enlightenment and bring down freedom to sorrow and shame. Nonsense! No principle is at stake here save the principle that schoolteachers, like plumbers, should stick to the job that is set before them, and not go roving about the house, breaking windows, raiding the cellar, and demoralizing the children. The issue of free speech is quite irrelevant.

“When a pedagogue takes his oath of office, he renounces his right to free speech quite as certainly as a bishop does, or a colonel in the army, or an editorial writer on a newspaper. He becomes a paid propagandist of certain definite doctrines and attitudes, mainly determined specifically and in advance, and every time he departs from them he swindles his employers.”

“It’s been an exciting morning at the Andrews-Transphobia Trial. After Senator Castillo decisively refuted Travis’ attempts to undermine the constitutionality of the GAIA Act,” proclaimed another reporter, “now, it’s no longer Dr. Andrews on trial, here, but rather, the judge himself who will be showing us all whether he has the courage to do the right thing, reject Travis’ legal maneuverings, and bring the transphobe teacher, Dr. Andrews, to trial. Sources close to the court are already indicating that’s exactly what’s about to happen.”

“Another inspiration inhalation,” began another balding man. “Deep breath in… hold it… and out. You want the best analysis of the Andrews Trial? Why then, you have to come right here to the Great Analyzer. Some are guessing the judge’s ruling. They look at his body language, they read the crowd, and they figure it’ll have some influence on him, stuff like that. But no one can ‘know’ what the ruling is going to be before it happens. I mean, even if the judge came out and told them, he could change his mind. That’s why it’s always important to properly qualify your conclusions with a level of certainty, and distinguish a guess or a prediction from actual concrete knowledge of the facts. Let me explain.”

“A host of hardworking professional journalists have descended on this rural community to do our job,” emoted another reporter, “nothing more, and nothing less. Our mission is to be your eyes and ears on the front lines of the battle for freedom of choice and gender equality and to let you know what you should think about it. And what we’re hearing now is that the judge is going to reject the defense motion, uphold the constitutionality of the GAIA Act, and Dr. Andrews will be on trial as soon as this afternoon.”

“Leftists are quick to use women, minorities, gays, and trannies as backdrops for their talking points,” proclaimed a podcaster in flamboyant drag into his selfie-sticked cell phone, “and they’re even quicker to kick us to the curb when we disagree with them. But people can’t help but listen to someone better, smarter, and hotter than anyone else in today’s media. Don’t settle for the mediocre! Keep following ME for the most incendiary and insightful commentary you’ll find anywhere! Rumors are swirling that the judge is about to rule against the defense motion. It’s unlikely anyone could possibly know for certain, since decisions like THAT in high-profile cases like THIS are always kept firmly under wraps until announced. Let’s head inside and see if his honor has reached a decision.”